[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
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Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
these two trucks have the same bed length
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.