An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
You Might Also Like
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
waiting for halloween be like:
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Genius idea!!
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.