My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
You Might Also Like
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs