Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
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Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.