My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
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If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.