Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
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She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
no!! no!!!!!!
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone