There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
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*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house