When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
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Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy