Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
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Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.