*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
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Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Body by sandwich.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?