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waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
My neck, my back, my…
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.