#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
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please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working