Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
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When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
*jingles half the way*
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.