Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
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DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.