Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
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So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
welp
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.