the battle rages on
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I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.