WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
You Might Also Like
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.