No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
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Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be