Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
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My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.