Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
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Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.