I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
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Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Rich people don’t understand cereal
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.