Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
You Might Also Like
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything