Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
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Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying