Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
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[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho