I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
You Might Also Like
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look