I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
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Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹