covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
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[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body