People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
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My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.