me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
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Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
every college guy’s fridge
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]