You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
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what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.