[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
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Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
December birthdays be like…
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”