[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
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1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful