*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
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My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
*bites zombie*
Finally! 😈
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.