[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
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I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes