I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
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Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒