Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
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Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
I’m too immature for adultery.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Yup
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.