Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
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Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
What’s dopamine is dopayours.