Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
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ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
No selfies while hijacking a train.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.