Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
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If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Siri, fight Alexa.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy