[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
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People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Breaking news:
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Guys, I found it.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
forgive me baja for i have blast
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.