My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
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Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.