finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
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DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!