I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
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FINE, I WON’T.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.