[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
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Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?