Cheer up.
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[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!