4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
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The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Why are bridges so flammable.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*