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Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.