I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
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90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*