be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
You Might Also Like
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
I’ve had worse
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
why isn’t he texting back
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin