Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
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[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
That time Alicia messaged me
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me